Inconsistent

Inconsistency has been my biggest problem in life. Every time I start flowing smoothly, I quit. There is always something that stops me and I can't quite figure it out. Whether it is something big like the fact that I rarely work at jobs for more than a year, or tiny, like a pretty regular flow of 99% notes hit in my peak Rock Band days. For some reason, once I find the groove, something inside of me freaks out. My love life and friendships have suffered greatly over it. I love to jump from one thing to the other and hate trying to take the time to perfect anything. To be perfectly honest, there is a terrifying fear of never being good enough. If I had to say it was any one thing holding me back from improving, I would say it is that fear. I guess the idea is that if I don't try, I can't fail. Obviously, if you don't try, you have already failed. Life doesn't always have to be about taking risks, but it isn't bad to do so.

I don't know if there is any real merit to my writing, but I've noticed that it helps me relax and release. The idea of doing things just to do them has always been something I've hated. It is one of the biggest problems I have with trying to work out. Unless there is a task to be completed or a game to be played, I hate exercise. It just feels so pointless to go for a run or lift when you are just sitting in a room, whether alone or with a whole gym full of people. The writing helps though. It forces me to think about my thoughts. That sounds kind of stupid, but I find myself having conversations with myself to a point that I don't think I'm actually thinking anymore. I feel like I'm talking to ignore the real parts of life. There is definitely something wrong with the situation, but I think it is something I can work through. I like to say that I had some type of OCD and it is gone now, but it isn't quite that. Yes, I had patterns, but it was different. The same thing used to happen though. As soon as I got too comfortable I would break the back and forth in my head, and then I would spend too much time trying to correct it until it just wasn't fixable. It ate so much of my time and it is much better than it used to be. There are still times when it comes up, especially on sidewalks, but it's better.

These are kind of just the ramblings of a crazy person, but sometimes that is just how the brain works. I think the stigma around mental illness is slowly being broken and it is amazing to see people feel comfortable to talk about their thoughts. Something that is strange to me is medication. I've never been one for medications for depression or anxiety, but it doesn't mean that it isn't for some people. One thing that I find very interesting is trying to find a way to get your brain to release the chemicals naturally. I hate myself some days because I know that if I worked out, my days would improve and I would sleep better at night. For some reason, I have such a hard time bringing myself to actually do it though. My days now have a regular schedule so I have much less of an excuse for not making time. The big one that I'm using currently is how early I go to work. I don't want to take a shower in the morning just to have to take one later if I'm going to work out after work. It wouldn't be that hard to get up an extra 30 minutes early and run around the block or some shit.

Well, this has been a very terrible post, but I just wanted to put out something because it makes me feel better. I also wanted to just say that life can hit you in the strangest ways sometimes. I had the last two days off of work and did nothing but played video games for both days. One of my favorite things to do, but I felt extremely depressed both days. It wasn't a sadness so much as an emptiness. Going back to work this morning felt amazing and I didn't want to leave. I have such a need to be around people sometimes. I should hopefully have another post out by the end of the weekend. If not I will get something done next week. I'd love to hear some of the weird things that other people go through with their brains or just a strange situation that people find themselves strangely happy or sad in. I realize I didn't actually go into a crazy amount of detail with things like talking to myself, but hopefully, I'll find a way to naturally get really into it with a future post.