Let's Talk About Sex Baby

This is a post that I've been meaning to start for a few days now. My memory is terrible, but I'd like to go over some stuff from my past. Something that is far taboo to talk about it seems, is sex. Now don't get me wrong, everyone loves talking about sex and it is all over our different forms of media, but there is so much to it that isn't real. That, unfortunately, is also part of my problem. Porn is something that I came across fairly early, I wanna say something along the lines of 11 or 12. Now, I wasn't all that interested, when I was younger. There were friends of mine that would come over and want to look at pictures on the internet or find DVD's of their parents or older siblings, but it wasn't all that intriguing to me. I suppose there was already some exposure for me in TV and film, but the idea of sex was strange. Growing up with Witnesses taught me that sex was bad. It was only to be allowed when one was married, and only for the purpose of repopulation. I never saw my mother as any sort of sexual being because she has been alone for my entire life. I grew up with her and my aunt primarily, visiting my father every other weekend or during the majority of the summertime. My aunt never really dated anyone that I saw either. There also isn't really a time in my life where I saw my dad as a single man, by the time I was 3 or so he was with my stepmom, and still is. They aren't as cautious about there sex life, so I definitely know they don't shy away from intercourse. The things we would watch together would vary a bit by who I was with, but overall the media was rife with sex. The music I listened to would go from Poison to Aqua or Marilyn Manson, so there was no shortage of sexual themes on that front. The problem with all of this stuff was that no one would talk about it. Sometimes if a film was showing breasts I would have to cover my eyes, but what good does that do with the rest of the information being received. As someone born in the era of the internet, it wasn't hard to fill in the blanks.

Now that there is a little background we can get into a little more of my actual sexual history. I wanna say I was 15 (14 maybe?) when I finally started to date.  Her name was Victoria and we had a pretty rough relationship for like 3ish years (on and off). There are honestly huge gaps in my memory of the relationship. I'll probably go more into problems with my relationships in another post. We went on a few dates, or what can be called dates in middle/early high school, and had made out and such. The first real sexual experience I can remember was going into a field a bit away from her house, in the winter, and fingering her while she lay on my jacket. There was snow everywhere and it was freezing cold, but we pushed through. There was a lot of fear. I had no idea what to do and had only some knowledge from terrible sources. I don't think it was her first time fooling around, and it's unfortunate because it definitely wasn't a good experience before me. She cried some, but most of it was before anything actually happened. She told me she was scared and I never really got a complete answer out of her, but obviously, things had happened before. Continuing on is one of my biggest regrets of the relationship. I didn't know better and wish I had thought about it more before just letting the topic go. At the time, I didn't think too much of the event because I was also afraid. I didn't know what was happening and had always been told all of this was a sin and just in general wrong. We spend a good amount of time over the next few months fooling around and trying out different things we had heard or seen. At a county fair, just outside of the fairgrounds, we tied each other to trees using belts and let each other do what we wanted. Granted we were fairly limited still. After a while, we upgraded to cars and her parent's camper, but still spent plenty of time outside or at the fairgrounds. Our sexual relationship wasn't really any better than our actual one. It was unhealthy and sometimes abusive. I'd love to put all the blame on her, as she used to do to me, but it wouldn't be fair.

Tori and I had started to move up the ladder, but we skipped a few rungs. I don't honestly know where the idea entirely came from, but we had moved onto anal. Keep in mind here, there has been nothing said about your good old classic, penis N' vagina action. That is entirely because it never happened. For some reason, we came to the conclusion that it would be an okay action. There was a small part of me that somehow was able to justify it through my religious beliefs. It is extremely laughable now, but at the time we were entirely serious about it. It started to become a usual event on our meetups and it was interesting because there are so many people that don't find it acceptable or probably half of the other stuff we would do, but it was our norm. There is a specific day I remember (sorry if it's weird to go into detail.) We were in the camper and we were trying out some toys she had found and went through the motions of making out and playing with each other, then moved on to the usual. We went a round or two, then she got bored and we ended up lying there for a while. I vividly remember her poking me and messing around with my penis. Not in a sexual way, but a very intimate exploring way. It is one of the most memorable times and it's mostly because I didn't feel any of my usual emotions that I would when I was with her. Normally I'd be angry or frustrated, sometimes if I was lucky, happy. This, this was different though. We were just relaxed and honest with each other. Honestly was hard to come by in that relationship. Afterward, we went for a little more adventuring but definitely in a different way. This was the first time I ever tasted jizz. It was one of those moments in a couple where nothing is off limits and we were both just so in the moment that we got sweaty and messy beyond normal. Granted there was a good amount of sweat mixed in, and it was mine, but overall not bad.

Sadly, the fun wouldn't last. Even at this point we definitely weren't doing well emotionally, but it started to seep into all of our aspects of life. Later on, she wanted to try vaginal sex and for some reason, I wasn't up to it. Part of it was holding onto stupid beliefs like waiting for the person I knew I would end up with. Another was the use of condoms. Till this point, we weren't really being all that safe. We were sticking to just each other so it ruled out a lot of outside sources, but it still wasn't a good plan. Condoms were one of those stupid things that I had been taught was terrible and even though my faith was greatly shaken by this point, there were still stupid aspects stuck in my brain. She kept fighting to try and I wasn't going to do anything without a condom but wasn't okay with using one. This is one reason why I want to talk about things like this. People need to talk with their children. We can't keep trying to hide things from our kids that could harm or kill people. There are so many things that could have gone wrong, but I got lucky. After a while, she started to tease me and I would pleasure her, but then when it came to my turn, shockingly, it was time to take her home. It would never fail and I was at a point in puberty where sex felt like it was a necessity. So the usual routine became, drive around, fool around, then come home and masturbate. I've never been one for the imagination, so porn kind of took over. I had some photos and videos that she had sent me, but eventually, that started to get worn out and would just anger me because I felt like I should have been getting the real thing. I feel that at this point I should make the point that she had every right to start stuff and then not want sex because obviously, you can change your mind at any point, but at the same time, leading someone on day after day, on purpose, doesn't feel right. When I was younger, and honestly every time I think about those days, I feel like she was trying to push me to rape her. It sounds psychotic and not something I would ever do, but she seemed to be trying to push me to anger and would smirk as I would drop her off and go home. This is one reason why communication is very important. Not only should she have talked to me about the problems, but I shouldn't have sat there and thought so poorly of her. It's wrong that I would say she wanted me to just lose it and go off on her, but it is what I believe. That conversation should have been had many years ago, and still hasn't.

 It took much too long for me to finally completely break things off and then we get into a whole slew of problems for another day. Now there was quite a break between this and my next experience. I was extremely obsessed with this girl I met from another town. There were times where sexual desire was there, but honestly, it was completely different than anything else previously. Even though she was a big part of my life for many years, she isn't pertinent to this topic. While going after this girl though, I found another lady who I thought was interested but was more interested in my friend's boyfriend. She was using me to get to him and we fooled around a bit, but honestly nothing crazy. Mostly making out and I'd be angrier that the relationship wasn't real if I wasn't just dating her because I was mad at Sam. From here I graduated high school and moved into the "big" town next to my small town. The exact timeline on this is a little fuzzy, but I sort of had a three-way experience with a friend of mine. He and I somehow started talking to a girl that graduated before us and we decided to go skinny dipping at the lake. After a while, it was obvious that everyone was in, so we drove into town to buy condoms. We then headed to the fairgrounds because I knew the bathrooms weren't locked up at night and they had showers. Another regret of mine sexually is not taking advantage of this situation. I was still on my "condoms are stupid" thing, so I got a little suck and whatnot, but then I went to work with what else I had. Skyler went full out though and it was his first real sexual experience. It ended up kind of turning into a scene that I felt had to be worked on because the performance was rather sub-par. In the end, though we took some showers together and made out. It was quite nice and honestly, sometimes I would just prefer something like this.

I went on to enjoy some college before actually starting school. My friend lived in the dorms and I met some people through him. He is actually very gay but somehow was talked into having sex with a girl across the hall who was in an open (she wanted to sleep with other people, boyfriend was just desperate to hold on) relationship. At the time, the girl and I had hooked up a few times and was my first time actually having vaginal sex. (WITH A CONDOM WOOHOO) The first time I was having a very hard time getting off and the second was somehow even stranger. If I am remembering correctly, there were only two times, but the second was extremely fun. We drove out to the country and fooled around to the six Star Wars scores put on shuffle. I will always tell people two things about my experiences with sex. One is that the best load ever released is from a titty fuck and the second is fingering a girl to Duel of the Fates is a phenomenal experience that everyone needs to try. Even though we had a really fun time and honestly she gave me a new outlook on sex, I couldn't finish. There was just no emotional connection and I had to fake it.

Luckily the next girl was much easier to love. Another girl from down the hall, actually two roommates, was befriending David (my friend from above) and we decided it would be a great idea to go back to my house and get drunk to Batman and Robin. (THANK YOU ARNOLD!) I became very good friends with one of the girls and Tasha is still one of my best friends to date, but the other is who this story is about. One of my roommates came home and asked us if we wanted to go to a party with him. We all seemed interested and got in his car. On the way, he had to stop at gas and bought some snacks. The only one I care about is twix. This is not because twix is a great snack, don't get me wrong, it definitely is, but in this particular scenario, it was the best. He ate all but one piece and then asked if anyone wanted some. Piper and I were both interested and decided it would be a great idea to share it. In our drunken state, neither of us had any doubt that we were both gonna eat it at the same time, and that we did. It very quickly became a full make out session in his car. We hung out at the party and made out a bit more, but that was really it for then. We kept talking and within a week or two we decided to go out on a date. That very quickly turned into sex and we talked about the fact that she was going to be going out of the country in a few months. So somehow I found myself in a semi-relationship with a girl who was way out of my league. Unfortunately, I got attached, as is expected from me, but it was much easier knowing she was leaving on a set date. It was much more casual than what I'm used to and it was probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. Since this post is about sex though I want to talk about that. We had plenty and it was good, but there was no exploration and again, no real talk about it. I truly regret not talking to her more about it and trying more. She was an extremely open person, but I have a tendency to get nervous and close myself off. So we kept that going for about three months and then boom, off to Sweden, and I started college.

I wanna say it was shortly after my first semester or close to the end of the first when I started talking to Gwen. Now that isn't her real name, and I'm not using it to hide her information. That is just what I called her. She was a grade below me in high school and it was the nickname I had given her then. We got very comfortable VERY quickly. Within a week or two of dating, we were practically living together. Most nights we would stay at one of our two places. We were fooling around and it took a bit to get to sex, but we were showering together and had no problem going to the bathroom with the other there. Within a month it felt like we had been dating for a year. School became a struggle for both of us and soon we were both dropping out of college and just working. We got a place together with another couple and that kind of went terribly, but not because we weren't working out, we couldn't stand them. Damn, I'm getting off topic again. I will talk about actual emotional relationships at another time. The sex here was normal. We never really got super weird but weren't super open with each other. We sometimes talked about things we wanted to try, but never really got around to them. Even though we dated for years it stayed fairly vanilla. Again this all comes down to communication and I know I keep talking about it for every relationship, but it really is the most important thing for love, sex, and just general happiness within a relationship. We did mess around some with costumes, which was a lot of fun. She would get really drunk and demand sex. There wasn't really a lot of times that I wouldn't be interested, but I couldn't say no if I wanted to sleep in the bed. By the end of things, sex wasn't for each other. It became when someone wanted sex we would fuck then go back to whatever we were doing. There wasn't really anything to it anymore. The closest we would get to emotional sex was anger. We tried a lot of the things you turn to at the end like toys and roleplaying.

Now, there is a big fault in my two big relationships that is on me, porn. I started to talk about it towards the end of the conversation about Tori, but it wasn't nearly enough. There is a difference between chemical and behavioral addiction and I don't personally believe that people should get much of a pass on behavioral addiction. You don't need it and is something you can control if you one hundred percent want to cut it out. That being said, I have an addiction to pornography. It started while dating Tori and became a part of my usual rituals. Sex started as a physical need, but sort of became about the connection wasn't getting with the people I was dating. It's not that I felt a connection with the people in the videos or anything stupid like that, but it felt just as personal as fooling around with Tori did. It became this escape that I never entirely got rid of. There was a good portion of time where it really wasn't something I craved, but by the time I was with Gwen that had turned back around. For a good amount of time, it wasn't really much of a problem, but as we started to grow apart, I would turn to porn again. There were days where I would go at it 3 or 4 times a day even though I was living with my girlfriend. It wasn't only an issue with our sex life, but just our personal relationship. Since the breakup with Gwen, I haven't really seen anyone and it has been about two years since I've even been on a date, let alone fucked anyone. So as you can guess porn has become a bit of a problem again. Overall it is something that I am starting to work on and when I found someone I was interested in a few months ago I stopped without even a little bit of desire for it. My goal is to work on myself and improve that before I really start trying with anyone again.

As usual, Thanks for reading and I'll have more to share next time!