So Today I Had A Dream

I've never really been someone who remembers my dreams. Sometimes when I first wake up there is some memory, but it's usually gone by the time anyone is around. The few I can remember from my childhood were somewhat reoccurring. The only two that really come to mind was someone of a lame sounding dungeon crawling type dream. Most of the details are lost to me now, but I just remember them being a different cast of people most times. There was some terrifying worm creature at some point and honestly I remember the dream being quite frightening. The other major one from my past involved a post-apocalyptic cityscape. It was always me and another person driving around in a nice car. Still, now I don't completely get the first dream. My best guess is that I had a lot of different friend groups and it didn't feel like I was completely a part of any of them. Today, while thinking about the dream I'm gonna talk about next, I think I finally figured out what the car one was about. Generally, the other person in the car would be a guy and a celebrity. Hayden Christensen, Ryan Gosling, Harrison Ford... just to name a few. If you know me at all personally, these were definitely a few of the people that I had a big crush on as a kid/teen and I'm starting to think that the reason we were always driving around with no one else seeming to be anywhere was my fear of being gay. I group up in a household of Jehovah's Witnesses and it wasn't an alright thing. So many people in my life always asked me if I was gay and constantly put me in that box. Even now, I still am not completely open about it. This honestly is the most open I've been about my sexual preference to an audience that could potentially include family. I'm bisexual, but the rest of the conversation on that topic can wait till I finish one of my planned posts.

The topic somehow got switched there for a moment, but we are finally at the reason why I wrote this instead of the 3 current posts I have ready to start. I'm terrified of death, but it's almost always been mine. This last year has been mostly really good. One of the only things I really don't like about it is moving farther away from my friend, David. He is one of my oldest friends and makes me very happy. This morning I woke up from a dream where the only real detail I can remember is that he was dead. It was so strange because it wasn't something where like I watched him die or had someone tell me about his death. The scary part was that it felt like he had been dead for awhile. People were trying to console me and it felt like I was trying to hide how sad I was. Hiding my feelings isn't an unusual occurrence for me, but in the dream, I broke down. Waking up was a very shocking event this morning. There was a ton of crying and honestly it was one of the worst feelings I've ever had. It took quite awhile for me to come out of it and I'm pretty happy that my roommates weren't around this morning to see me. I don't know how to explain quite how it felt, but it's terrifying to me that just imagining him gone was so tough for me. Luckily, he was only a few clicks away from being able to have a conversation with me, but someday either he or I will go and I guess that hasn't really popped into my head before. We had a conversation about it for a bit, and I had another really good cry. Overall, getting all of that out of my system earlier felt incredible. Letting my emotions show was never something I was super good at, but have gotten a lot better with. Usually, when sad or happy, I sit there and think about what everyone around me would think if I cried or smiled. While watching TV I'll frequently look over to see how other people react to things. It doesn't necessarily change my reaction, but I can't help but wonder if my reaction is wrong. That's a very stupid thing to say, since it is literally a reaction or an opinion and can't be wrong, but it still kinda gets to me.

Working on my emotions has been hard, but I've made a lot of progress and honestly, sometimes I can't turn it off. It's more of a trial and error right now, which ends in a lot of sad movies that I can't stop crying over. The bright side is that I'm getting to go over some movies and shows again without feeling like I have to hold back. Starting to realize that people don't really give a shit about if I cry or laugh at most things has been amazing. This is where some of the podcasts that I've been listening to come in. Hearing people, that sometimes live in the spotlight, go through a lot of the same emotions, fears, and just overall life situations really help. Dax Shepard and Michael Rosenbaum, get very personal on their shows and it doesn't feel like someone trying to relate to people like you get in a lot of talk shows and interviews where people are constantly trying to spin their lives into fantastical stories.

Overall, this took longer to write than expected and I would like to get to sleep. I'm looking to get a lot more posts like this out and do have one planned. Sleep has always been something that I don't look forward to because I don't normally remember my dreams so it usually just feels like I was nothing for 5 to 8 hours. That's one of the reasons I am so scared of death. I'm terrified it will be a lot like my sleep, but I will just never be conscious again. Again, I am getting off track! I'm very interested to hear any crazy dreams you guys remember or just anything you'd like to share.

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!