Life Is Confusing?

Alrighty, let's start this off by saying my relationship with my father has never been great. For 23 years one would say that it was poor. We rarely talk or see each other and he has never really been a great role model. Over the years, my respect for him continues to drop. Even at our closest, I couldn't fully like him as a person because of the way he thinks and how he treats people around him. One of my greatest fears is becoming more like him and for a short time, it was a little concerning. A strange thing happened this last year though. I started visiting more and it seemed to be going well. Overall, the better parts of my visits are always seeing my sisters and step-mom, but even talking with him wasn't terrible. I've always hated that he has to be drunk most hours of the day, but it doesn't really phase me much anymore. The fact that we've been getting along and I'm closer, making it easier to visit, has been really nice.

It honestly makes me sad to say he can't seem to stand me coming out. My mother was texting me yesterday to tell me about a phone call she received. I should preface this by saying my mother and father don't speak. She came to my sister's graduation party last summer, and since then they haven't spoken. Now, fast forward to this July where he feels the need to drunk dial her at two in the morning. 2:00 AM on a Monday night/Tuesday morning. Completely wasted, he calls to tell her that they need to get together to have lunch and talk about my decisions. Apparently, he threatened me and said he would come to my house in the middle of the night and kick my ass and any other guy who is here. It surprised me. Over the years, I thought he had reached his limit of crazy and that maybe I mattered more to him. Sadly, I don't. In the past, I had made jokes about how I was waiting for my parents to die so that I could come out without any issues. That, unfortunately, would have probably been a better choice.

Overall, my mom isn't thrilled with my choices but is still willing to accept me. That is really all that I ask for. I don't think it is too much to ask for him to not be a raging asshole, but it's the reality of it. It's sad that the progress we made over the last year is lost and we are farther apart than we have probably ever been. I don't really think it is gonna be much of an issue for me though. It'll be a little difficult to find time with my sisters and step-mom and the few times I visit will be reduced to even less, but my plan is to try to keep up with them.

I'd like to pose the question of what problems do other people have with their parents? It has always been a struggle for me and my father, but never quite this bad. Now, I plan on giving up on him. Possibly for the rest of my life. I feel like a lot of people will think it's a sad thing, but I think it'll be healthier for me to not try anymore.

There is one other thing that I would like to get out before I post this. There was a feeling and an emotion I didn't know I would ever feel. I've never been super afraid of my parents in any sort of phsyical manner. My dad gets drunk and will throw stuff, but usually, he isn't able to do a ton because he is already so drunk, but when I was told he wanted to come and kick my ass. It honestly scared me. I can imagine him saying the words. He would slur at specific spots that I can pick out without being there to hear. It's hard to look back at times when he seemed to really care and know that this is the same person. I wish that I could say it's a shock he could say those things. It was a surprise to me that he did because I didn't think it was that big of a deal to him anymore, but I was wrong apparently. Part of what I want from this blog is to showcase real feelings and situations without trying to put them through a cleansing filter and showcase what is felt. That's why I want to talk about just how afraid I was. It's so different when it is someone you know. Knowing somewhere and someone that is supposed to be safe and loving is really a great danger and threat, changes your view of the situation so much. I just got so immediately terrified that I had to cry for quite some time. I needed to get out of the house, so I went to my work for a bit and hung out to kill some time.

 There are a lot of people in my life who love me for me and they are the people that I will be spending my time and effort on. I'd like to thank all the people who care about me and tell them that I love them.

As always, thank you all so much for reading and have a great rest of your days!