Inconsistency has been my biggest problem in life. Every time I start flowing smoothly, I quit. There is always something that stops me and I can't quite figure it out. Whether it is something big like the fact that I rarely work at jobs for more than a year, or tiny, like a pretty regular flow of 99% notes hit in my peak Rock Band days. For some reason, once I find the groove, something inside of me freaks out. My love life and friendships have suffered greatly over it. I love to jump from one thing to the other and hate trying to take the time to perfect anything. To be perfectly honest, there is a terrifying fear of never being good enough. If I had to say it was any one thing holding me back from improving, I would say it is that fear. I guess the idea is that if I don't try, I can't fail. Obviously, if you don't try, you have already failed. Life doesn't always have to be about taking risks, but it isn't bad to do so.
I don't know if there is any real merit to my writing, but I've noticed that it helps me relax and release. The idea of doing things just to do them has always been something I've hated. It is one of the biggest problems I have with trying to work out. Unless there is a task to be completed or a game to be played, I hate exercise. It just feels so pointless to go for a run or lift when you are just sitting in a room, whether alone or with a whole gym full of people. The writing helps though. It forces me to think about my thoughts. That sounds kind of stupid, but I find myself having conversations with myself to a point that I don't think I'm actually thinking anymore. I feel like I'm talking to ignore the real parts of life. There is definitely something wrong with the situation, but I think it is something I can work through. I like to say that I had some type of OCD and it is gone now, but it isn't quite that. Yes, I had patterns, but it was different. The same thing used to happen though. As soon as I got too comfortable I would break the back and forth in my head, and then I would spend too much time trying to correct it until it just wasn't fixable. It ate so much of my time and it is much better than it used to be. There are still times when it comes up, especially on sidewalks, but it's better.
These are kind of just the ramblings of a crazy person, but sometimes that is just how the brain works. I think the stigma around mental illness is slowly being broken and it is amazing to see people feel comfortable to talk about their thoughts. Something that is strange to me is medication. I've never been one for medications for depression or anxiety, but it doesn't mean that it isn't for some people. One thing that I find very interesting is trying to find a way to get your brain to release the chemicals naturally. I hate myself some days because I know that if I worked out, my days would improve and I would sleep better at night. For some reason, I have such a hard time bringing myself to actually do it though. My days now have a regular schedule so I have much less of an excuse for not making time. The big one that I'm using currently is how early I go to work. I don't want to take a shower in the morning just to have to take one later if I'm going to work out after work. It wouldn't be that hard to get up an extra 30 minutes early and run around the block or some shit.
Well, this has been a very terrible post, but I just wanted to put out something because it makes me feel better. I also wanted to just say that life can hit you in the strangest ways sometimes. I had the last two days off of work and did nothing but played video games for both days. One of my favorite things to do, but I felt extremely depressed both days. It wasn't a sadness so much as an emptiness. Going back to work this morning felt amazing and I didn't want to leave. I have such a need to be around people sometimes. I should hopefully have another post out by the end of the weekend. If not I will get something done next week. I'd love to hear some of the weird things that other people go through with their brains or just a strange situation that people find themselves strangely happy or sad in. I realize I didn't actually go into a crazy amount of detail with things like talking to myself, but hopefully, I'll find a way to naturally get really into it with a future post.
TheOnlyN33b's In and Op's
Information and Opinions on media and life in general.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Inconsistent
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
The Live Post (concerts) Pt.1
There is something incredible about going to a live show and seeing someone perform. You can really see the passion in what they do and it makes listening to their music just more enjoyable. My first experience with this feeling was Weird Al. I was about 10 years old when he came to my hometown. As a kid, and definitely still today, his music is uplifting and fun. It helps nurture the childish side of my personality, but it doesn't take anything away from my growth. One of the more noticeable factors of his success is his obvious connection to his fans. He isn't pretending to be someone and he isn't making this music just for money or fame. There is a beautiful joy that you can see in his live performance. Being that it was my first show, I didn't know what to expect from a live concert, and after seeing him a second time, Years later, I can see that he was going through a hard time during the first show. The first time I saw him was back in 2004, literally, the day after both of his parents died. I can't imagine losing two people very close to me and then going on to perform the very next day. He had canceled whatever meet and greet package was set up for the event, but who the hell could blame him. I remember reading about it, after the fact, and he talked about how much he knew his music had helped his fans through tough times. His hope was that it could now help him. When I need a break from reality, or even just to see the world for how crazy it really is. I can put on music of his from a few years ago or multiple decades and still get an immense joy from them. The second time I saw him I was about 17 or so and the experience was even better. Weird Al makes myself and so many more people around the world so happy, and seeing him live was an amazing time that I think more people should get to witness.
After the incredible time that I had at the Weird Al concert, I wanted more. The second show I went to was actually a Country concert, Keith Urban. His music is definitely country but has a nice rock hint to it. His record, The Golden Road, was something that I found pretty early on and fell in love. It is still one of my favorite records and I'm honestly really happy that this was my second concert. There isn't a lot to say about this show because it was a pretty standard arena show, but it was in no way a bad concert. This one was just so long ago and I've had so many amazing experiences that it is hard to remember all the details. Nonetheless, I had a great time and this would foster my excitement to get to more concerts.
I remember my first Rock concert fairly well actually. There was an opening band by the name of Killswitch. At the time, I was confused because Killswitch Engage had just gotten very popular and my belief was that this was them. They weren't really a group that I was familiar with, so after hearing them play, I just assumed it was them. (very lackluster, I must say) After them, it was City Sleeps. These guys actually stuck with me. I went home after the show and found some of their music and will sometimes still listen to the album. From what I could tell, there wasn't a lot of music from them and I believe they have since broken up, but I have to say they put on one hell of a live show. I remember how amazing it was to watch the drummer, always moving, while banging on the drums. He looked unstoppable. There was such passion and confidence in his movements like he was born to do this. Now, we have Drowning Pool. Again, not really a band that I listened to, but I knew a bit more from them, specifically, Bodies. Great solid song, but it's really all I knew/know. I've actually seen them twice now because they apparently open for bands I like. The key thing I took out of their performance was their bassist. It was just like the drummer from City Sleeps, so much emotion. You could see that he loved it and wanted nothing more than to be on that stage forever. It was the exact same way when I saw them a second time, so I know this wasn't just some sort of childish belief, he really loves it. Other than him, there wasn't a ton that I took notice of, from their part of the show. Finally, we get to Saliva, the headliner, star of the show! They were bad. This was like peak Saliva too. They had a few albums out, just gotten a single to be played on WWE and were on what I believe to be their first headlining tour, so they really should have been great. Who knows, maybe it was just a bad night and they are normally better than that, but it was really disappointing to me, at the time. Overall, the experience was great and I found some new music to listen to. It was my first mosh pit, which was exciting. There was a man in a wheelchair who was rolling around pushing everybody and it showed me the wonderful community that there is within rock and metal music. I remember seeing him tip over and everyone stopping to get him up, and there was something so oddly refreshing about watching him get right back into pushing them around, as soon as he got up.
This would obviously not be my last time in a mosh pit though. There is such a rush when you get into the middle and push and shove and flow. If you can really let yourself go, you forget where you are, and the stupid problems that surround you. The mundane tasks you have to complete tomorrow or the bills you have to pay. On the other hand to this, sometimes they hurt. My first Marilyn Manson concert was a blast, but it wouldn't be complete unless moshing was done. A few songs into his performance, I find the pit. As I work my way towards the flinging bodies, I can tell it is a bit rougher than what I usually end up in, but that isn't going to stop me. I see my opening and I leap in, push someone, get pushed to the side, PUNCHED IN THE FACE, and I proceeded to leave the pit. It was a really fun time actually. It hurt a decent bit, but I wouldn't let that keep me from future mosh pits. So far, that has been my only rough experience in a pit. I've seen some great ones, and then you have circle pits and shows where you are a little afraid that if you trip you will be trampled over. Part of the enjoyment, for me at least, is the fact that everyone is just there in the moment. There aren't people pulling their phones out for a video, or trying to talk about what's happening. Life is just happening. I'm not great at taking a look at the world around me without panicking and overthinking everything, so these moments are very precious to me. There hasn't been a show that I can go to with someone and just experience this with them, in a very long time. For me to get this feeling, I have to abandon my friends and get into the crowd because no one seems to feel it like I do. In the past, I had some people who would love to get in the middle of it and just lose themselves. I do miss that, a little. The people in my life are definitely better people, and I'm much closer to them, but this is an experience that I want to share with someone. One of my main hopes for a future relationship is someone who understands this feeling and wants to get into the crowd and just let loose.
I'd love to hear about some of your favorite concerts, in the comments. I've talked about my favorite a bit, in another post, but will go into more detail in the future. Honestly, probably closer to pt.3 if I keep writing this way... I will be back with another post soon, and as always, Thank you for reading!
Labels:
Entertainment,
personal
Location:
Minnesota, USA
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
End Of July
This has been a pretty eventful month. Through the month of July, I have seen a good amount of new movies, started listening to a few new podcasts semi-regularly, went to a great concert, came out, got myself a date (if I can make it out to fucking Michigan), tried a dab (not a fan), and got myself a promotion. Overall, I'd say it has been great. There were a few rough patches in there, but not more than I could handle.
I think I'll start off with some of the movies because one of them is very fresh in my mind. Today I saw Teen Titans Go To the Movies. Personally, I thought it was a great film. There were solid jokes, great music, and a fairly generic plot that they were very self away of. There is a very good chance I'll be going to see it again before it leaves theatres. The new Jurassic World was a fairly generic Summer flick, but it didn't disappoint. It is definitely one I'll be adding to my collection, but I might wait until the final film comes out, to grab a bundle. My favorite of the Jurassic films would still have to be the original. This new one had a pretty easily discernable twist to it. It wasn't really a problem because they still told the story smoothly and the effects were incredible. I'd probably put the order of films as 1, World, Lost World, World 2, and finally 3. Unfortunately, Sam Neill was not enough to save the third film in the franchise. I finally got around to seeing Incredibles 2 and I have to say that it was one of the best, animated films I had seen in a long time. Wreck-It Ralph still beats it, in my opinion, but it was nice to see a bit of a refreshing movie. It didn't feel like the same thing over and over again. Having a focus on the family learning to adapt to a regular life without their mother was an incredible twist on the film. Using the 60's to showcase a lot of modern problems was such a beautiful, yet haunting thing. We were starting to see the rise of women in the workforce, but it was still considered wrong to have kids and be a working mom. The film obviously takes some liberties with the time frame and technology, but I couldn't imagine the movie being set in the current time. I feel like I should have dedicated an entire paragraph to just this movie. It was really great to see Mr. Incredible taking the role of caretaker. I feel like there was a bit more of an honest struggle with single parenthood than what we see in most movies about the specific subject. Before I get off of movies, I need to quickly talk about Cooties. The farther it gets from when I saw it, the less I remember. I know that I really liked it, but I had also taken my first, and probably only, dab. It was an interesting experience, but overall I didn't like it. I was way too high, too fast. I felt like it went on for hours longer than it actually did and kept having a feeling of panic. My heart felt like it was pounding and I kept thinking I was starting to have a heart attack. Of course, after getting myself calm, I would think my heart was then going too slow. It was a few hours of back and forth. Anyways, Cooties was great. I always love Elijah wood and there were some great homages to other amazing horror works.
The podcast section will probably be pretty short. The new shows I gave a shot were Anna Farris' Unqualified, Marc Maron's WTF, and Grace Helbig's Not Too Deep. Of the three, WTF is probably my preferred show. Part of it is the selection of guests he acquires. Don't get me wrong, both of the others get great guests, I just feel that there are more consistent ones that I want to hear from on WTF. I think my favorite episode of Unqualified, that I've heard so far, is Topher Grace. He has always been very interesting to me. It was really nice to hear more about his film, Take Me Home Tonight. I hadn't realized that it was his project and he had directed the movie. Grace had an amazing interview with Miyam Bialik, where she talked a lot about raising two boys, running a youtube channel, blogging, and acting. She also writes books and is a Neuroscientist. My usual shows have been lacking in content lately. There has been nothing new on Spotify from ID10T since the beginning of June and I have to imagine it has something to do with some allegations against Chris Hardwick. It appears that all of the episodes of Inside of You are going to be placed under the Unqualified show, but there are still some being released. Dax Shepard's Armchair Expert has continued to get better and with every guest you see him getting more and more comfortable. Obviously, he is a very open person already, but you can sort of hear that he is more relaxed. I'm very happy to have a job that gives me a couple of hours each morning to get through my podcasts. The last thing I'll bring up on the topic of podcasts is my friend's Halo Pro League podcast. Two of my friends are running a weekly podcast about the world of Halo Esports. It is kind of amazing how good it is. By that, I mean, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HALO ESPORTS. The last time that I watched a pro match was never. Somehow I'm honestly entertained and interested to hear about the new rosters and changes made to the league every week. That is the other crazy thing about the show. There is new, pertinent information about the league on a weekly basis. I believe I technically started listening to this one in June, but feel I should include it either way.
I feel like I have gone into at least semi-detail about the rest of the information in the first paragraph, in previous posts so I don't really have to talk about the rest. I'll slightly go over how happy I am in my new job. It gives me a set schedule (I wish I had some weekends off) which is something that my life has needed for a long time. It has helped me keep things a little more organized. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still really bad at cleaning and putting things away, but I'm slowly working on it. Getting the promotion has helped my confidence and it is getting me out of my comfort zone. I have some paid time off that I need to use up by the third of Sept. so I am trying to get the end of August off. Initially, I wanted to drive to the East Coast and was going to be stopping in Michigan to take my friend out on a date. The more I think about it, it might not be wise or possible for me to do both. My plan might adapt to be more of a, stop in Michigan, spend the night, and then take her out somewhere a state or two over. Just something out of the ordinary and fresh. I haven't been on a first date in about five years, so I might as well make it count. Honestly, there was some real fear about this date. When I set it up there was nothing but excitement. After a while, it kind of hit me that I haven't gone out with anyone in years and haven't been intimate with someone in a bit over two years. That isn't even a fancy way to say haven't had sex. I genuinely haven't been close to someone physically in a few years. No kissing, hand holding, or cuddling. It's a little nervewracking but after a good long freak out, I came to the conclusion that I need to just relax and go for it. Part of my goal with this blog is to open up more and be more honest, so I actually plan on talking to her about my fears before going to visit her. One of my favorite things about her is her ability to be accepting. She actually seems to listen and want to understand. My only real concern with the entire situation is that I might like her too much. With distance being such a problem, especially the amount of distance, I have to keep my thoughts in check and not rush into anything, but sometimes it is hard. My ability to take things slow is not something that I am known for. It sounds like she usually has a very similar problem so I'm actually excited to be going through this together and see if it will eventually lead to something more.
I hope that everyone is doing well, but honestly that everyone has something to struggle with, in their lives. Growth comes from resolution and everyone can always grow to be more. There have been so many things that I go through on a daily basis, that have bothered me for years, that I'm truly starting to work on. It feels amazing, but I know there is still more to get past. My mind is doing better, even so, still I get stuck on things and can learn more. I have been feeling a desire to learn again. It has been many years since I've really felt like improving in any sort of field of education. I've taken a bit of an interest in history and would kind of like to explore that. The biggest thing that still eats at me, on a daily basis, is exercise.
Before I let everyone go, I'd like to just ask a few questions. First off, what podcasts have you been listening to lately? The other is just for any movie or music suggestions from the month of July that you, personally, loved or couldn't imagine not being released. For me, that would be Incredibles 2, Teen Titans, and for music I would say Death of Me by Daughtry (kind of a surprising one), and Your Body, by Plain White T's. Anyways, as always, thank you, everyone, for reading.
I think I'll start off with some of the movies because one of them is very fresh in my mind. Today I saw Teen Titans Go To the Movies. Personally, I thought it was a great film. There were solid jokes, great music, and a fairly generic plot that they were very self away of. There is a very good chance I'll be going to see it again before it leaves theatres. The new Jurassic World was a fairly generic Summer flick, but it didn't disappoint. It is definitely one I'll be adding to my collection, but I might wait until the final film comes out, to grab a bundle. My favorite of the Jurassic films would still have to be the original. This new one had a pretty easily discernable twist to it. It wasn't really a problem because they still told the story smoothly and the effects were incredible. I'd probably put the order of films as 1, World, Lost World, World 2, and finally 3. Unfortunately, Sam Neill was not enough to save the third film in the franchise. I finally got around to seeing Incredibles 2 and I have to say that it was one of the best, animated films I had seen in a long time. Wreck-It Ralph still beats it, in my opinion, but it was nice to see a bit of a refreshing movie. It didn't feel like the same thing over and over again. Having a focus on the family learning to adapt to a regular life without their mother was an incredible twist on the film. Using the 60's to showcase a lot of modern problems was such a beautiful, yet haunting thing. We were starting to see the rise of women in the workforce, but it was still considered wrong to have kids and be a working mom. The film obviously takes some liberties with the time frame and technology, but I couldn't imagine the movie being set in the current time. I feel like I should have dedicated an entire paragraph to just this movie. It was really great to see Mr. Incredible taking the role of caretaker. I feel like there was a bit more of an honest struggle with single parenthood than what we see in most movies about the specific subject. Before I get off of movies, I need to quickly talk about Cooties. The farther it gets from when I saw it, the less I remember. I know that I really liked it, but I had also taken my first, and probably only, dab. It was an interesting experience, but overall I didn't like it. I was way too high, too fast. I felt like it went on for hours longer than it actually did and kept having a feeling of panic. My heart felt like it was pounding and I kept thinking I was starting to have a heart attack. Of course, after getting myself calm, I would think my heart was then going too slow. It was a few hours of back and forth. Anyways, Cooties was great. I always love Elijah wood and there were some great homages to other amazing horror works.
The podcast section will probably be pretty short. The new shows I gave a shot were Anna Farris' Unqualified, Marc Maron's WTF, and Grace Helbig's Not Too Deep. Of the three, WTF is probably my preferred show. Part of it is the selection of guests he acquires. Don't get me wrong, both of the others get great guests, I just feel that there are more consistent ones that I want to hear from on WTF. I think my favorite episode of Unqualified, that I've heard so far, is Topher Grace. He has always been very interesting to me. It was really nice to hear more about his film, Take Me Home Tonight. I hadn't realized that it was his project and he had directed the movie. Grace had an amazing interview with Miyam Bialik, where she talked a lot about raising two boys, running a youtube channel, blogging, and acting. She also writes books and is a Neuroscientist. My usual shows have been lacking in content lately. There has been nothing new on Spotify from ID10T since the beginning of June and I have to imagine it has something to do with some allegations against Chris Hardwick. It appears that all of the episodes of Inside of You are going to be placed under the Unqualified show, but there are still some being released. Dax Shepard's Armchair Expert has continued to get better and with every guest you see him getting more and more comfortable. Obviously, he is a very open person already, but you can sort of hear that he is more relaxed. I'm very happy to have a job that gives me a couple of hours each morning to get through my podcasts. The last thing I'll bring up on the topic of podcasts is my friend's Halo Pro League podcast. Two of my friends are running a weekly podcast about the world of Halo Esports. It is kind of amazing how good it is. By that, I mean, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HALO ESPORTS. The last time that I watched a pro match was never. Somehow I'm honestly entertained and interested to hear about the new rosters and changes made to the league every week. That is the other crazy thing about the show. There is new, pertinent information about the league on a weekly basis. I believe I technically started listening to this one in June, but feel I should include it either way.
I feel like I have gone into at least semi-detail about the rest of the information in the first paragraph, in previous posts so I don't really have to talk about the rest. I'll slightly go over how happy I am in my new job. It gives me a set schedule (I wish I had some weekends off) which is something that my life has needed for a long time. It has helped me keep things a little more organized. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still really bad at cleaning and putting things away, but I'm slowly working on it. Getting the promotion has helped my confidence and it is getting me out of my comfort zone. I have some paid time off that I need to use up by the third of Sept. so I am trying to get the end of August off. Initially, I wanted to drive to the East Coast and was going to be stopping in Michigan to take my friend out on a date. The more I think about it, it might not be wise or possible for me to do both. My plan might adapt to be more of a, stop in Michigan, spend the night, and then take her out somewhere a state or two over. Just something out of the ordinary and fresh. I haven't been on a first date in about five years, so I might as well make it count. Honestly, there was some real fear about this date. When I set it up there was nothing but excitement. After a while, it kind of hit me that I haven't gone out with anyone in years and haven't been intimate with someone in a bit over two years. That isn't even a fancy way to say haven't had sex. I genuinely haven't been close to someone physically in a few years. No kissing, hand holding, or cuddling. It's a little nervewracking but after a good long freak out, I came to the conclusion that I need to just relax and go for it. Part of my goal with this blog is to open up more and be more honest, so I actually plan on talking to her about my fears before going to visit her. One of my favorite things about her is her ability to be accepting. She actually seems to listen and want to understand. My only real concern with the entire situation is that I might like her too much. With distance being such a problem, especially the amount of distance, I have to keep my thoughts in check and not rush into anything, but sometimes it is hard. My ability to take things slow is not something that I am known for. It sounds like she usually has a very similar problem so I'm actually excited to be going through this together and see if it will eventually lead to something more.
I hope that everyone is doing well, but honestly that everyone has something to struggle with, in their lives. Growth comes from resolution and everyone can always grow to be more. There have been so many things that I go through on a daily basis, that have bothered me for years, that I'm truly starting to work on. It feels amazing, but I know there is still more to get past. My mind is doing better, even so, still I get stuck on things and can learn more. I have been feeling a desire to learn again. It has been many years since I've really felt like improving in any sort of field of education. I've taken a bit of an interest in history and would kind of like to explore that. The biggest thing that still eats at me, on a daily basis, is exercise.
Before I let everyone go, I'd like to just ask a few questions. First off, what podcasts have you been listening to lately? The other is just for any movie or music suggestions from the month of July that you, personally, loved or couldn't imagine not being released. For me, that would be Incredibles 2, Teen Titans, and for music I would say Death of Me by Daughtry (kind of a surprising one), and Your Body, by Plain White T's. Anyways, as always, thank you, everyone, for reading.
Labels:
Entertainment,
growth,
movies,
personal,
podcast
Location:
Minnesota, USA
Wednesday, July 25, 2018
Life Is Confusing?
Alrighty, let's start this off by saying my relationship with my father has never been great. For 23 years one would say that it was poor. We rarely talk or see each other and he has never really been a great role model. Over the years, my respect for him continues to drop. Even at our closest, I couldn't fully like him as a person because of the way he thinks and how he treats people around him. One of my greatest fears is becoming more like him and for a short time, it was a little concerning. A strange thing happened this last year though. I started visiting more and it seemed to be going well. Overall, the better parts of my visits are always seeing my sisters and step-mom, but even talking with him wasn't terrible. I've always hated that he has to be drunk most hours of the day, but it doesn't really phase me much anymore. The fact that we've been getting along and I'm closer, making it easier to visit, has been really nice.
It honestly makes me sad to say he can't seem to stand me coming out. My mother was texting me yesterday to tell me about a phone call she received. I should preface this by saying my mother and father don't speak. She came to my sister's graduation party last summer, and since then they haven't spoken. Now, fast forward to this July where he feels the need to drunk dial her at two in the morning. 2:00 AM on a Monday night/Tuesday morning. Completely wasted, he calls to tell her that they need to get together to have lunch and talk about my decisions. Apparently, he threatened me and said he would come to my house in the middle of the night and kick my ass and any other guy who is here. It surprised me. Over the years, I thought he had reached his limit of crazy and that maybe I mattered more to him. Sadly, I don't. In the past, I had made jokes about how I was waiting for my parents to die so that I could come out without any issues. That, unfortunately, would have probably been a better choice.
Overall, my mom isn't thrilled with my choices but is still willing to accept me. That is really all that I ask for. I don't think it is too much to ask for him to not be a raging asshole, but it's the reality of it. It's sad that the progress we made over the last year is lost and we are farther apart than we have probably ever been. I don't really think it is gonna be much of an issue for me though. It'll be a little difficult to find time with my sisters and step-mom and the few times I visit will be reduced to even less, but my plan is to try to keep up with them.
I'd like to pose the question of what problems do other people have with their parents? It has always been a struggle for me and my father, but never quite this bad. Now, I plan on giving up on him. Possibly for the rest of my life. I feel like a lot of people will think it's a sad thing, but I think it'll be healthier for me to not try anymore.
There is one other thing that I would like to get out before I post this. There was a feeling and an emotion I didn't know I would ever feel. I've never been super afraid of my parents in any sort of phsyical manner. My dad gets drunk and will throw stuff, but usually, he isn't able to do a ton because he is already so drunk, but when I was told he wanted to come and kick my ass. It honestly scared me. I can imagine him saying the words. He would slur at specific spots that I can pick out without being there to hear. It's hard to look back at times when he seemed to really care and know that this is the same person. I wish that I could say it's a shock he could say those things. It was a surprise to me that he did because I didn't think it was that big of a deal to him anymore, but I was wrong apparently. Part of what I want from this blog is to showcase real feelings and situations without trying to put them through a cleansing filter and showcase what is felt. That's why I want to talk about just how afraid I was. It's so different when it is someone you know. Knowing somewhere and someone that is supposed to be safe and loving is really a great danger and threat, changes your view of the situation so much. I just got so immediately terrified that I had to cry for quite some time. I needed to get out of the house, so I went to my work for a bit and hung out to kill some time.
There are a lot of people in my life who love me for me and they are the people that I will be spending my time and effort on. I'd like to thank all the people who care about me and tell them that I love them.
It honestly makes me sad to say he can't seem to stand me coming out. My mother was texting me yesterday to tell me about a phone call she received. I should preface this by saying my mother and father don't speak. She came to my sister's graduation party last summer, and since then they haven't spoken. Now, fast forward to this July where he feels the need to drunk dial her at two in the morning. 2:00 AM on a Monday night/Tuesday morning. Completely wasted, he calls to tell her that they need to get together to have lunch and talk about my decisions. Apparently, he threatened me and said he would come to my house in the middle of the night and kick my ass and any other guy who is here. It surprised me. Over the years, I thought he had reached his limit of crazy and that maybe I mattered more to him. Sadly, I don't. In the past, I had made jokes about how I was waiting for my parents to die so that I could come out without any issues. That, unfortunately, would have probably been a better choice.
Overall, my mom isn't thrilled with my choices but is still willing to accept me. That is really all that I ask for. I don't think it is too much to ask for him to not be a raging asshole, but it's the reality of it. It's sad that the progress we made over the last year is lost and we are farther apart than we have probably ever been. I don't really think it is gonna be much of an issue for me though. It'll be a little difficult to find time with my sisters and step-mom and the few times I visit will be reduced to even less, but my plan is to try to keep up with them.
I'd like to pose the question of what problems do other people have with their parents? It has always been a struggle for me and my father, but never quite this bad. Now, I plan on giving up on him. Possibly for the rest of my life. I feel like a lot of people will think it's a sad thing, but I think it'll be healthier for me to not try anymore.
There is one other thing that I would like to get out before I post this. There was a feeling and an emotion I didn't know I would ever feel. I've never been super afraid of my parents in any sort of phsyical manner. My dad gets drunk and will throw stuff, but usually, he isn't able to do a ton because he is already so drunk, but when I was told he wanted to come and kick my ass. It honestly scared me. I can imagine him saying the words. He would slur at specific spots that I can pick out without being there to hear. It's hard to look back at times when he seemed to really care and know that this is the same person. I wish that I could say it's a shock he could say those things. It was a surprise to me that he did because I didn't think it was that big of a deal to him anymore, but I was wrong apparently. Part of what I want from this blog is to showcase real feelings and situations without trying to put them through a cleansing filter and showcase what is felt. That's why I want to talk about just how afraid I was. It's so different when it is someone you know. Knowing somewhere and someone that is supposed to be safe and loving is really a great danger and threat, changes your view of the situation so much. I just got so immediately terrified that I had to cry for quite some time. I needed to get out of the house, so I went to my work for a bit and hung out to kill some time.
There are a lot of people in my life who love me for me and they are the people that I will be spending my time and effort on. I'd like to thank all the people who care about me and tell them that I love them.
As always, thank you all so much for reading and have a great rest of your days!
Friday, July 20, 2018
Life Is Good
The last week or so has been very eventful. I feel like every day is going by slowly, yet the week has flown by as a whole. Everything seems to be going forward in my life and it kind of scares me. This is usually the part where I try to ruin everything and sabotage myself. Now, don't get me wrong, there are mistakes I'm making to pull me down, but it isn't the same. I catch myself getting into bad behaviors and trying to avoid things. The bright side to this is that I'm noticing and improving. A year or two ago I would have gotten too nervous to go for the promotion. An application would still be a draft and someone else would be taking over the position on Sunday, but instead, I talked to the people around me and worked with the leaders in my store to get me that job. I'm growing, not just in my career, but as a whole person. For years, I have put off telling my family about my sexuality because it felt easier to ignore it. My love life suffers because I get so scared of saying the wrong thing, that I clam up and say nothing. Communication has been my biggest improvement over the last year. It is truly amazing what you can do by just being honest with people and talking.
My co-worker and I were both going for the same promotion and normally this would have been something that would have held me off from applying. Even if I did apply, I would be too scared to be confident in myself. She is an incredible person and would also be great for the job, but I honestly felt that putting me in the role is best for the store. Losing out on a job to someone you know and work close to daily isn't easy, but this was another situation where we were very honest with each other about how we felt and talked about the fact that we were both trying for it. If I wasn't open and comfortable to talk about these things, I would not have gotten the job. Being open has created so many more doorways and made me realize that so many of us go through the exact same things. Even some of the weirder things that we think or do are done by the people that we see almost every day.
There are so many things that I keep saying I'll talk about and have plans to actually go into more detail with, but never seem to actually post. This is another one of those things. I'd like to get into just how much talking about what you are thinking or feeling helps in a relationship, but my experience with that has been rather minimal. In the future, there will be a discussion on my failed communication skills, within relationships, but this time it's a somewhat success story. For now, I'm not actually dating anyone, but the closest I have come in a couple of years is all because of just being honest. She lives quite a ways away so we don't really get to see each other. This is one of the big reasons we aren't trying to date. We started to talk a lot and it was nice to just be free to say what I wanted to. Plenty of time, there is still the fear of trying to come up with something to say because I don't want to sound boring or I just don't know what is the right thing to say, but when the words finally come out, it never seems to be wrong. A perfect example of this is from last night. So something quickly that should be explained is that she doesn't always respond right away, sometimes for a few days. It can be a little frustrating, but honestly, it is healthy for me right now. I get overly obsessed and talk too much. This isn't good for a relationship, especially just starting out. In the past, my response to her lack of would have been anger and annoyance. If I'm overly nervous about a response I'll get annoyed or frustrated, but as soon as the message comes back to me I know there was no reason to worry. Part of what doesn't bother me about her lack of response is that she doesn't read the messages. There will be days where she won't read a message, but once she does, she talks back. Last week, we talked about going on a date whenever I can find the time to drive out to her, and the conversation went over really well. From here, I kept trying to not go overboard and we started to try and plan out a time frame. This is something that was supposed to be fairly nonchalant, but I kept trying to move the date up closer and closer. She didn't say anything against this, but I messaged her last night apologizing for rushing it up more and more. Normally, I either wouldn't have sent that message for fear of being too much. If I did send it, I would panic and send message after message until she responds. Just knowing that I don't have to hide who I am, and can show her that I'm trying to grow as a person without it being a problem or me acting like a psycho makes me extremely happy and keeps me confident that I'm moving towards a better me.
A little quick update on some of the other lighter aspects in my life though. I haven't really been eating out much, with the exception of Applebee's for all you can eat chicken tenders with my friend, and a 50 some dollar meal at Outback to celebrate my one of my co-workers getting a promotion and myself getting one. There are some frozen vegetable meals that you can cook up in the microwave easily that I have been bringing to work, for my lunch. Most nights, supper has been a chicken breast and some veggies. I'm thinking I may try to start getting up earlier to cook breakfast as well, now that I have a set schedule it should be a bit easier to plan things out. Lately, I have been playing League of Legends again, and there is a little concern that maybe I'm playing too much. That is something to keep in check but overall hasn't been too terrible yet. The major thing that needs to be worked on is exercise and I haven't really made a plan of attack for that yet. Hopefully putting it in here will help kick me into the gym, but I'd like to get started on running again by the 1st of August. Lastly, and this will probably kick back in more around September, mostly because I should probably not try to overdo things, is streaming! Well holy shit guys, I think we have come to a solid ending.
My co-worker and I were both going for the same promotion and normally this would have been something that would have held me off from applying. Even if I did apply, I would be too scared to be confident in myself. She is an incredible person and would also be great for the job, but I honestly felt that putting me in the role is best for the store. Losing out on a job to someone you know and work close to daily isn't easy, but this was another situation where we were very honest with each other about how we felt and talked about the fact that we were both trying for it. If I wasn't open and comfortable to talk about these things, I would not have gotten the job. Being open has created so many more doorways and made me realize that so many of us go through the exact same things. Even some of the weirder things that we think or do are done by the people that we see almost every day.
There are so many things that I keep saying I'll talk about and have plans to actually go into more detail with, but never seem to actually post. This is another one of those things. I'd like to get into just how much talking about what you are thinking or feeling helps in a relationship, but my experience with that has been rather minimal. In the future, there will be a discussion on my failed communication skills, within relationships, but this time it's a somewhat success story. For now, I'm not actually dating anyone, but the closest I have come in a couple of years is all because of just being honest. She lives quite a ways away so we don't really get to see each other. This is one of the big reasons we aren't trying to date. We started to talk a lot and it was nice to just be free to say what I wanted to. Plenty of time, there is still the fear of trying to come up with something to say because I don't want to sound boring or I just don't know what is the right thing to say, but when the words finally come out, it never seems to be wrong. A perfect example of this is from last night. So something quickly that should be explained is that she doesn't always respond right away, sometimes for a few days. It can be a little frustrating, but honestly, it is healthy for me right now. I get overly obsessed and talk too much. This isn't good for a relationship, especially just starting out. In the past, my response to her lack of would have been anger and annoyance. If I'm overly nervous about a response I'll get annoyed or frustrated, but as soon as the message comes back to me I know there was no reason to worry. Part of what doesn't bother me about her lack of response is that she doesn't read the messages. There will be days where she won't read a message, but once she does, she talks back. Last week, we talked about going on a date whenever I can find the time to drive out to her, and the conversation went over really well. From here, I kept trying to not go overboard and we started to try and plan out a time frame. This is something that was supposed to be fairly nonchalant, but I kept trying to move the date up closer and closer. She didn't say anything against this, but I messaged her last night apologizing for rushing it up more and more. Normally, I either wouldn't have sent that message for fear of being too much. If I did send it, I would panic and send message after message until she responds. Just knowing that I don't have to hide who I am, and can show her that I'm trying to grow as a person without it being a problem or me acting like a psycho makes me extremely happy and keeps me confident that I'm moving towards a better me.
A little quick update on some of the other lighter aspects in my life though. I haven't really been eating out much, with the exception of Applebee's for all you can eat chicken tenders with my friend, and a 50 some dollar meal at Outback to celebrate my one of my co-workers getting a promotion and myself getting one. There are some frozen vegetable meals that you can cook up in the microwave easily that I have been bringing to work, for my lunch. Most nights, supper has been a chicken breast and some veggies. I'm thinking I may try to start getting up earlier to cook breakfast as well, now that I have a set schedule it should be a bit easier to plan things out. Lately, I have been playing League of Legends again, and there is a little concern that maybe I'm playing too much. That is something to keep in check but overall hasn't been too terrible yet. The major thing that needs to be worked on is exercise and I haven't really made a plan of attack for that yet. Hopefully putting it in here will help kick me into the gym, but I'd like to get started on running again by the 1st of August. Lastly, and this will probably kick back in more around September, mostly because I should probably not try to overdo things, is streaming! Well holy shit guys, I think we have come to a solid ending.
As always, thanks for reading and have a great night!
P.S. I might finish a Rubik's cube entirely without help tomorrow. We shall see!
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Left a Little Out (more sex stuff)
With me talking a bit more about being bisexual, I realized that my sex post included really no information about my time with guys. Now don't get me wrong, other than some kissing and the one partial threesome, there really hasn't been a ton to speak of. I will say that the number of men kissed vs women has gotta be close at this point. Over the last couple of years, I feel like the number has swayed back towards the women winning, but that's more from a lack of access. There have been a few guys I've been really into that just don't feel it back. That would be a harder hit if I didn't get that enough with the ladies too. Overall, I am much more confident now then I used to be, and am willing to be more open and explore the world a bit more. Hopefully, this will open some doors to see what is out there. Now, currently, I am interested in a woman, but nothing has really started yet, and there is some distance in between so even if things do start up, the plan is to keep things casual. That isn't something I have ever really been good at. I haven't had a ton of opportunities to try, but maybe giving it a go will be healthy, for me. Typically I get a little obsessive, and that is far from a good thing. This is going to be a very short post, especially since I just dropped one like 15 minutes ago, but I just wanted to include that I have fooled around a bit with guys and gals.
Another quick thing I left out of the original sex post, is that I don't really have to be a part of the sex to really have a good time. Now, I'm not saying I stand there and watch people have sex and jerk it, but in the threeway situation, it was more of me directing them. There was a time with another friend, who needed a place to fornicate because his dad was a pastor. He would come over and sleep with his girlfriend in my bed. One of the times they came over, somehow I ended up in the room with them playing music from my laptop. It was a strange event, but I found it to be extremely fun. It's something that I don't really know how to bring up to other people, but would be curious to try again.
Looking back, I've somehow ended up around sex a lot, even though I wasn't involved with it. A friend couple I had would fuck on the couch next to me sometimes, or on the floor. One time, some drunks were fucking in my bed and I wanted to go to sleep, so I walked in and told them I was going to go sleep in the closet. As they were going at it, I suddenly heard a bit of regurgitation and the woman start screaming "Oh my god gross!" I come out of the closet to her climbing off of him, while he puked all over my bedsheets. She then proceeds to wander off out of my room, completely naked. I helped him clean up a bit then excused myself to go find his girlfriend. My buddy, John, was in bed next door and I had to swoop into his room and yank her out before she completely got into bed with him. She stumbled back to my room and I don't really remember what happened from there, I just needed to sleep. All in all, I've had some interesting sex stories to tell, that don't really involve me having sex.
Another quick thing I left out of the original sex post, is that I don't really have to be a part of the sex to really have a good time. Now, I'm not saying I stand there and watch people have sex and jerk it, but in the threeway situation, it was more of me directing them. There was a time with another friend, who needed a place to fornicate because his dad was a pastor. He would come over and sleep with his girlfriend in my bed. One of the times they came over, somehow I ended up in the room with them playing music from my laptop. It was a strange event, but I found it to be extremely fun. It's something that I don't really know how to bring up to other people, but would be curious to try again.
Looking back, I've somehow ended up around sex a lot, even though I wasn't involved with it. A friend couple I had would fuck on the couch next to me sometimes, or on the floor. One time, some drunks were fucking in my bed and I wanted to go to sleep, so I walked in and told them I was going to go sleep in the closet. As they were going at it, I suddenly heard a bit of regurgitation and the woman start screaming "Oh my god gross!" I come out of the closet to her climbing off of him, while he puked all over my bedsheets. She then proceeds to wander off out of my room, completely naked. I helped him clean up a bit then excused myself to go find his girlfriend. My buddy, John, was in bed next door and I had to swoop into his room and yank her out before she completely got into bed with him. She stumbled back to my room and I don't really remember what happened from there, I just needed to sleep. All in all, I've had some interesting sex stories to tell, that don't really involve me having sex.
It Has Been An Interesting 24 Hours.
I feel like a majority of my posts have brought up that I'd like to make a full-length post about concerts I've been to. This is still not that post. Don't get me wrong, there is a concert featured here, but it isn't the one I was expecting to write about. Hayley Kiyoko was touring a month or two ago and had a stop in Minnesota that I wanted to get to. I decided to save my money and not go. A few days after this decision my sister texted me to ask if I would be interested in seeing Panic at the Disco. Panic! was definitely an interest of mine in the past, but it was mostly confined to their first album. Now that it is only Brandon Urie, I haven't been very open to the belief that he was still putting his best foot forward. Every time that he releases new music, it's good. In fact, I'd be a fool to not say great, but yet I've spoken out against him. That is something I greatly regret doing for a few reasons. There was nothing to support my arguments since he has been continually breaking ground and gathering a plethora of new fans. Also, Brandon has been a great influence on a lot of people looking to reach out for help and who need to believe in themselves. This last fact is something that I didn't know nearly as much as I do now.
I'm gonna back step a moment here and go to the beginning of the day. My sister met me at my house and we decided to wander around Minneapolis before the show. Besides the heat and humidity, it was a great time and I'm really happy we spent some time together outside of our usual watch tv or go to a movie. When we finally got to the show, I was really excited because the opener for Panic! was Hayley Kiyoko and Arizona. Arizona I don't know quite as much, but had found them from my friend Zac a few months ago. I was mostly excited to see Hayley and wasn't disappointed when she finally came on stage. She put on an incredible performance and told the crowd that it was her first arena show. The way she moved around the stage, with such purpose while moving so freely and comfortably, was inspiring. So inspiring in fact, that I'm tired of hiding myself from people in my life. Honestly, most of my family probably already knows, but I'm finally going to officially come out as bisexual, on Facebook.
Arizona came on afterward and put on a very good show. Sadly, this was my least favorite of the concert, but it was nowhere near a bad show. This was also their first arena show, and Brandon did an amazing job of picking his opening acts. I won't go into much detail of their show except for the fact that their guitarist was the star, for sure. There wasn't a ton of their music that I was familiar with before the show, but I would really like to get more into them, especially if I'm considering trying to get to another show on this tour.
Now, to get back on track, the hype for Panic! was getting intense. There was a guy in the stands getting everyone else super hyped for the show, all throughout the stands, that I almost forgot we were there for a concert. I find it hard to define just how good the Panic at the Disco portion was. Brandon put on more than a concert, it really was a performance. I couldn't have asked for more and that is with them only playing two of their old songs. He started out with the band appearing from the floor and as the opening track started he burst out of the floor in an astonishing fashion. The crowd stood for the entire show and danced and swayed with the songs. After a few tracks a piano slowly came up out of the floor and Nine in the Afternoon was played, and it felt like a refreshing take on it without really changing it up. He just seems so confident and comfortable on stage, that you can't imagine him doing anything else with his career. We got through a few more songs and then he walked through the floor crowd singing Death of a Bachelor. You could see the excitement from him as he flowed through being ushered to the back of the crowd, where a beautiful, white piano was being lowered on a small circular stage that was about the diameter of a small hot tub. https://youtu.be/ZvJxTxLLQxg. The video here is for reference. This was at the Minneapolis show, which was the opener for the tour, and the show I was at. It was one of the greatest moments from the show, and I thought for sure it was going to be the end. Somehow, when he got back to the stage, he continued to play for almost another full set worth of songs and almost every one of them seemed to get better. High Hopes had to be one of my favorite songs he did, and one of the best crowd reactions, but Miss Jackson was on a whole other level, and personally, I think this was the best performance of the night. He played through the song with incredible gusto, showing off his falsetto repeatedly. The song then slowed down and the piano that came from the floor appeared again, and after getting through the slow moment, he stood up, walked to the edge of the raised part of the stage, that he was on, and backflipped off of it. As he landed he belted out the last bits to Miss Jackson and the crowd obviously went crazy. Brandon busted out an amazing cover of Girls Just Want to Have Fun, but I have never been a huge fan of his Bohemian Rhapsody cover and he did pull that one out as well. He ends Bohemian Rhapsody very strongly though. One more after that, they leave the stage and come back for the inevitable encore. They bust into Saturday Night and then he goes into how he has been at this for almost 14 years and it all started with I Write Sins Not Tragedies. Now, I have been vocal about how if he is annoyed with playing I Write Sins Not Tragedies he needs to give the crowd a show that is worthy of skipping that song. By the time he got around to playing the song, I didn't care. I didn't need the song and he had by far exceeded expectations. Once the song started though... I needed that song. Everyone screaming along with him was exhilarating. One more song to get through, but before that he gave a flawless speech about how every one of us there was a miracle and how incredible it is that our parent's sperm and eggs managed to get together. The fact that each of them used up thousands of sperm and eggs in their life and we are alive, was his main point, and it really hit home and somehow ended up being the perfect intro into Victorious.
There really isn't much more I can say about the concert. Every piece of it was amazing, and somehow it was strangely life changing. I left Target Center with more confidence and some things that I felt I needed to accomplish. I am finishing this last portion a few days after the concert and can say that I have really started to improve my life. I've been putting off asking a girl that is incredible, coming out as bisexual, and this one is a little less up to me, but getting a promotion. Within 24 hours, I had asked out the girl (got a yes, but there is some distance giving us issues), did my interview for the promotion, and as of today, three days later, I have also come out. Part of my improvement definitely comes from writing and letting some more of my feelings out, so I'd like to thank anyone reading this.
There really isn't much more I can say about the concert. Every piece of it was amazing, and somehow it was strangely life changing. I left Target Center with more confidence and some things that I felt I needed to accomplish. I am finishing this last portion a few days after the concert and can say that I have really started to improve my life. I've been putting off asking a girl that is incredible, coming out as bisexual, and this one is a little less up to me, but getting a promotion. Within 24 hours, I had asked out the girl (got a yes, but there is some distance giving us issues), did my interview for the promotion, and as of today, three days later, I have also come out. Part of my improvement definitely comes from writing and letting some more of my feelings out, so I'd like to thank anyone reading this.
THANKS, ONCE AGAIN EVERYONE!
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Let's Talk About Sex Baby
This is a post that I've been meaning to start for a few days now. My memory is terrible, but I'd like to go over some stuff from my past. Something that is far taboo to talk about it seems, is sex. Now don't get me wrong, everyone loves talking about sex and it is all over our different forms of media, but there is so much to it that isn't real. That, unfortunately, is also part of my problem. Porn is something that I came across fairly early, I wanna say something along the lines of 11 or 12. Now, I wasn't all that interested, when I was younger. There were friends of mine that would come over and want to look at pictures on the internet or find DVD's of their parents or older siblings, but it wasn't all that intriguing to me. I suppose there was already some exposure for me in TV and film, but the idea of sex was strange. Growing up with Witnesses taught me that sex was bad. It was only to be allowed when one was married, and only for the purpose of repopulation. I never saw my mother as any sort of sexual being because she has been alone for my entire life. I grew up with her and my aunt primarily, visiting my father every other weekend or during the majority of the summertime. My aunt never really dated anyone that I saw either. There also isn't really a time in my life where I saw my dad as a single man, by the time I was 3 or so he was with my stepmom, and still is. They aren't as cautious about there sex life, so I definitely know they don't shy away from intercourse. The things we would watch together would vary a bit by who I was with, but overall the media was rife with sex. The music I listened to would go from Poison to Aqua or Marilyn Manson, so there was no shortage of sexual themes on that front. The problem with all of this stuff was that no one would talk about it. Sometimes if a film was showing breasts I would have to cover my eyes, but what good does that do with the rest of the information being received. As someone born in the era of the internet, it wasn't hard to fill in the blanks.
Now that there is a little background we can get into a little more of my actual sexual history. I wanna say I was 15 (14 maybe?) when I finally started to date. Her name was Victoria and we had a pretty rough relationship for like 3ish years (on and off). There are honestly huge gaps in my memory of the relationship. I'll probably go more into problems with my relationships in another post. We went on a few dates, or what can be called dates in middle/early high school, and had made out and such. The first real sexual experience I can remember was going into a field a bit away from her house, in the winter, and fingering her while she lay on my jacket. There was snow everywhere and it was freezing cold, but we pushed through. There was a lot of fear. I had no idea what to do and had only some knowledge from terrible sources. I don't think it was her first time fooling around, and it's unfortunate because it definitely wasn't a good experience before me. She cried some, but most of it was before anything actually happened. She told me she was scared and I never really got a complete answer out of her, but obviously, things had happened before. Continuing on is one of my biggest regrets of the relationship. I didn't know better and wish I had thought about it more before just letting the topic go. At the time, I didn't think too much of the event because I was also afraid. I didn't know what was happening and had always been told all of this was a sin and just in general wrong. We spend a good amount of time over the next few months fooling around and trying out different things we had heard or seen. At a county fair, just outside of the fairgrounds, we tied each other to trees using belts and let each other do what we wanted. Granted we were fairly limited still. After a while, we upgraded to cars and her parent's camper, but still spent plenty of time outside or at the fairgrounds. Our sexual relationship wasn't really any better than our actual one. It was unhealthy and sometimes abusive. I'd love to put all the blame on her, as she used to do to me, but it wouldn't be fair.
Tori and I had started to move up the ladder, but we skipped a few rungs. I don't honestly know where the idea entirely came from, but we had moved onto anal. Keep in mind here, there has been nothing said about your good old classic, penis N' vagina action. That is entirely because it never happened. For some reason, we came to the conclusion that it would be an okay action. There was a small part of me that somehow was able to justify it through my religious beliefs. It is extremely laughable now, but at the time we were entirely serious about it. It started to become a usual event on our meetups and it was interesting because there are so many people that don't find it acceptable or probably half of the other stuff we would do, but it was our norm. There is a specific day I remember (sorry if it's weird to go into detail.) We were in the camper and we were trying out some toys she had found and went through the motions of making out and playing with each other, then moved on to the usual. We went a round or two, then she got bored and we ended up lying there for a while. I vividly remember her poking me and messing around with my penis. Not in a sexual way, but a very intimate exploring way. It is one of the most memorable times and it's mostly because I didn't feel any of my usual emotions that I would when I was with her. Normally I'd be angry or frustrated, sometimes if I was lucky, happy. This, this was different though. We were just relaxed and honest with each other. Honestly was hard to come by in that relationship. Afterward, we went for a little more adventuring but definitely in a different way. This was the first time I ever tasted jizz. It was one of those moments in a couple where nothing is off limits and we were both just so in the moment that we got sweaty and messy beyond normal. Granted there was a good amount of sweat mixed in, and it was mine, but overall not bad.
Sadly, the fun wouldn't last. Even at this point we definitely weren't doing well emotionally, but it started to seep into all of our aspects of life. Later on, she wanted to try vaginal sex and for some reason, I wasn't up to it. Part of it was holding onto stupid beliefs like waiting for the person I knew I would end up with. Another was the use of condoms. Till this point, we weren't really being all that safe. We were sticking to just each other so it ruled out a lot of outside sources, but it still wasn't a good plan. Condoms were one of those stupid things that I had been taught was terrible and even though my faith was greatly shaken by this point, there were still stupid aspects stuck in my brain. She kept fighting to try and I wasn't going to do anything without a condom but wasn't okay with using one. This is one reason why I want to talk about things like this. People need to talk with their children. We can't keep trying to hide things from our kids that could harm or kill people. There are so many things that could have gone wrong, but I got lucky. After a while, she started to tease me and I would pleasure her, but then when it came to my turn, shockingly, it was time to take her home. It would never fail and I was at a point in puberty where sex felt like it was a necessity. So the usual routine became, drive around, fool around, then come home and masturbate. I've never been one for the imagination, so porn kind of took over. I had some photos and videos that she had sent me, but eventually, that started to get worn out and would just anger me because I felt like I should have been getting the real thing. I feel that at this point I should make the point that she had every right to start stuff and then not want sex because obviously, you can change your mind at any point, but at the same time, leading someone on day after day, on purpose, doesn't feel right. When I was younger, and honestly every time I think about those days, I feel like she was trying to push me to rape her. It sounds psychotic and not something I would ever do, but she seemed to be trying to push me to anger and would smirk as I would drop her off and go home. This is one reason why communication is very important. Not only should she have talked to me about the problems, but I shouldn't have sat there and thought so poorly of her. It's wrong that I would say she wanted me to just lose it and go off on her, but it is what I believe. That conversation should have been had many years ago, and still hasn't.
It took much too long for me to finally completely break things off and then we get into a whole slew of problems for another day. Now there was quite a break between this and my next experience. I was extremely obsessed with this girl I met from another town. There were times where sexual desire was there, but honestly, it was completely different than anything else previously. Even though she was a big part of my life for many years, she isn't pertinent to this topic. While going after this girl though, I found another lady who I thought was interested but was more interested in my friend's boyfriend. She was using me to get to him and we fooled around a bit, but honestly nothing crazy. Mostly making out and I'd be angrier that the relationship wasn't real if I wasn't just dating her because I was mad at Sam. From here I graduated high school and moved into the "big" town next to my small town. The exact timeline on this is a little fuzzy, but I sort of had a three-way experience with a friend of mine. He and I somehow started talking to a girl that graduated before us and we decided to go skinny dipping at the lake. After a while, it was obvious that everyone was in, so we drove into town to buy condoms. We then headed to the fairgrounds because I knew the bathrooms weren't locked up at night and they had showers. Another regret of mine sexually is not taking advantage of this situation. I was still on my "condoms are stupid" thing, so I got a little suck and whatnot, but then I went to work with what else I had. Skyler went full out though and it was his first real sexual experience. It ended up kind of turning into a scene that I felt had to be worked on because the performance was rather sub-par. In the end, though we took some showers together and made out. It was quite nice and honestly, sometimes I would just prefer something like this.
I went on to enjoy some college before actually starting school. My friend lived in the dorms and I met some people through him. He is actually very gay but somehow was talked into having sex with a girl across the hall who was in an open (she wanted to sleep with other people, boyfriend was just desperate to hold on) relationship. At the time, the girl and I had hooked up a few times and was my first time actually having vaginal sex. (WITH A CONDOM WOOHOO) The first time I was having a very hard time getting off and the second was somehow even stranger. If I am remembering correctly, there were only two times, but the second was extremely fun. We drove out to the country and fooled around to the six Star Wars scores put on shuffle. I will always tell people two things about my experiences with sex. One is that the best load ever released is from a titty fuck and the second is fingering a girl to Duel of the Fates is a phenomenal experience that everyone needs to try. Even though we had a really fun time and honestly she gave me a new outlook on sex, I couldn't finish. There was just no emotional connection and I had to fake it.
Luckily the next girl was much easier to love. Another girl from down the hall, actually two roommates, was befriending David (my friend from above) and we decided it would be a great idea to go back to my house and get drunk to Batman and Robin. (THANK YOU ARNOLD!) I became very good friends with one of the girls and Tasha is still one of my best friends to date, but the other is who this story is about. One of my roommates came home and asked us if we wanted to go to a party with him. We all seemed interested and got in his car. On the way, he had to stop at gas and bought some snacks. The only one I care about is twix. This is not because twix is a great snack, don't get me wrong, it definitely is, but in this particular scenario, it was the best. He ate all but one piece and then asked if anyone wanted some. Piper and I were both interested and decided it would be a great idea to share it. In our drunken state, neither of us had any doubt that we were both gonna eat it at the same time, and that we did. It very quickly became a full make out session in his car. We hung out at the party and made out a bit more, but that was really it for then. We kept talking and within a week or two we decided to go out on a date. That very quickly turned into sex and we talked about the fact that she was going to be going out of the country in a few months. So somehow I found myself in a semi-relationship with a girl who was way out of my league. Unfortunately, I got attached, as is expected from me, but it was much easier knowing she was leaving on a set date. It was much more casual than what I'm used to and it was probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. Since this post is about sex though I want to talk about that. We had plenty and it was good, but there was no exploration and again, no real talk about it. I truly regret not talking to her more about it and trying more. She was an extremely open person, but I have a tendency to get nervous and close myself off. So we kept that going for about three months and then boom, off to Sweden, and I started college.
I wanna say it was shortly after my first semester or close to the end of the first when I started talking to Gwen. Now that isn't her real name, and I'm not using it to hide her information. That is just what I called her. She was a grade below me in high school and it was the nickname I had given her then. We got very comfortable VERY quickly. Within a week or two of dating, we were practically living together. Most nights we would stay at one of our two places. We were fooling around and it took a bit to get to sex, but we were showering together and had no problem going to the bathroom with the other there. Within a month it felt like we had been dating for a year. School became a struggle for both of us and soon we were both dropping out of college and just working. We got a place together with another couple and that kind of went terribly, but not because we weren't working out, we couldn't stand them. Damn, I'm getting off topic again. I will talk about actual emotional relationships at another time. The sex here was normal. We never really got super weird but weren't super open with each other. We sometimes talked about things we wanted to try, but never really got around to them. Even though we dated for years it stayed fairly vanilla. Again this all comes down to communication and I know I keep talking about it for every relationship, but it really is the most important thing for love, sex, and just general happiness within a relationship. We did mess around some with costumes, which was a lot of fun. She would get really drunk and demand sex. There wasn't really a lot of times that I wouldn't be interested, but I couldn't say no if I wanted to sleep in the bed. By the end of things, sex wasn't for each other. It became when someone wanted sex we would fuck then go back to whatever we were doing. There wasn't really anything to it anymore. The closest we would get to emotional sex was anger. We tried a lot of the things you turn to at the end like toys and roleplaying.
Now, there is a big fault in my two big relationships that is on me, porn. I started to talk about it towards the end of the conversation about Tori, but it wasn't nearly enough. There is a difference between chemical and behavioral addiction and I don't personally believe that people should get much of a pass on behavioral addiction. You don't need it and is something you can control if you one hundred percent want to cut it out. That being said, I have an addiction to pornography. It started while dating Tori and became a part of my usual rituals. Sex started as a physical need, but sort of became about the connection wasn't getting with the people I was dating. It's not that I felt a connection with the people in the videos or anything stupid like that, but it felt just as personal as fooling around with Tori did. It became this escape that I never entirely got rid of. There was a good portion of time where it really wasn't something I craved, but by the time I was with Gwen that had turned back around. For a good amount of time, it wasn't really much of a problem, but as we started to grow apart, I would turn to porn again. There were days where I would go at it 3 or 4 times a day even though I was living with my girlfriend. It wasn't only an issue with our sex life, but just our personal relationship. Since the breakup with Gwen, I haven't really seen anyone and it has been about two years since I've even been on a date, let alone fucked anyone. So as you can guess porn has become a bit of a problem again. Overall it is something that I am starting to work on and when I found someone I was interested in a few months ago I stopped without even a little bit of desire for it. My goal is to work on myself and improve that before I really start trying with anyone again.
Now that there is a little background we can get into a little more of my actual sexual history. I wanna say I was 15 (14 maybe?) when I finally started to date. Her name was Victoria and we had a pretty rough relationship for like 3ish years (on and off). There are honestly huge gaps in my memory of the relationship. I'll probably go more into problems with my relationships in another post. We went on a few dates, or what can be called dates in middle/early high school, and had made out and such. The first real sexual experience I can remember was going into a field a bit away from her house, in the winter, and fingering her while she lay on my jacket. There was snow everywhere and it was freezing cold, but we pushed through. There was a lot of fear. I had no idea what to do and had only some knowledge from terrible sources. I don't think it was her first time fooling around, and it's unfortunate because it definitely wasn't a good experience before me. She cried some, but most of it was before anything actually happened. She told me she was scared and I never really got a complete answer out of her, but obviously, things had happened before. Continuing on is one of my biggest regrets of the relationship. I didn't know better and wish I had thought about it more before just letting the topic go. At the time, I didn't think too much of the event because I was also afraid. I didn't know what was happening and had always been told all of this was a sin and just in general wrong. We spend a good amount of time over the next few months fooling around and trying out different things we had heard or seen. At a county fair, just outside of the fairgrounds, we tied each other to trees using belts and let each other do what we wanted. Granted we were fairly limited still. After a while, we upgraded to cars and her parent's camper, but still spent plenty of time outside or at the fairgrounds. Our sexual relationship wasn't really any better than our actual one. It was unhealthy and sometimes abusive. I'd love to put all the blame on her, as she used to do to me, but it wouldn't be fair.
Tori and I had started to move up the ladder, but we skipped a few rungs. I don't honestly know where the idea entirely came from, but we had moved onto anal. Keep in mind here, there has been nothing said about your good old classic, penis N' vagina action. That is entirely because it never happened. For some reason, we came to the conclusion that it would be an okay action. There was a small part of me that somehow was able to justify it through my religious beliefs. It is extremely laughable now, but at the time we were entirely serious about it. It started to become a usual event on our meetups and it was interesting because there are so many people that don't find it acceptable or probably half of the other stuff we would do, but it was our norm. There is a specific day I remember (sorry if it's weird to go into detail.) We were in the camper and we were trying out some toys she had found and went through the motions of making out and playing with each other, then moved on to the usual. We went a round or two, then she got bored and we ended up lying there for a while. I vividly remember her poking me and messing around with my penis. Not in a sexual way, but a very intimate exploring way. It is one of the most memorable times and it's mostly because I didn't feel any of my usual emotions that I would when I was with her. Normally I'd be angry or frustrated, sometimes if I was lucky, happy. This, this was different though. We were just relaxed and honest with each other. Honestly was hard to come by in that relationship. Afterward, we went for a little more adventuring but definitely in a different way. This was the first time I ever tasted jizz. It was one of those moments in a couple where nothing is off limits and we were both just so in the moment that we got sweaty and messy beyond normal. Granted there was a good amount of sweat mixed in, and it was mine, but overall not bad.
Sadly, the fun wouldn't last. Even at this point we definitely weren't doing well emotionally, but it started to seep into all of our aspects of life. Later on, she wanted to try vaginal sex and for some reason, I wasn't up to it. Part of it was holding onto stupid beliefs like waiting for the person I knew I would end up with. Another was the use of condoms. Till this point, we weren't really being all that safe. We were sticking to just each other so it ruled out a lot of outside sources, but it still wasn't a good plan. Condoms were one of those stupid things that I had been taught was terrible and even though my faith was greatly shaken by this point, there were still stupid aspects stuck in my brain. She kept fighting to try and I wasn't going to do anything without a condom but wasn't okay with using one. This is one reason why I want to talk about things like this. People need to talk with their children. We can't keep trying to hide things from our kids that could harm or kill people. There are so many things that could have gone wrong, but I got lucky. After a while, she started to tease me and I would pleasure her, but then when it came to my turn, shockingly, it was time to take her home. It would never fail and I was at a point in puberty where sex felt like it was a necessity. So the usual routine became, drive around, fool around, then come home and masturbate. I've never been one for the imagination, so porn kind of took over. I had some photos and videos that she had sent me, but eventually, that started to get worn out and would just anger me because I felt like I should have been getting the real thing. I feel that at this point I should make the point that she had every right to start stuff and then not want sex because obviously, you can change your mind at any point, but at the same time, leading someone on day after day, on purpose, doesn't feel right. When I was younger, and honestly every time I think about those days, I feel like she was trying to push me to rape her. It sounds psychotic and not something I would ever do, but she seemed to be trying to push me to anger and would smirk as I would drop her off and go home. This is one reason why communication is very important. Not only should she have talked to me about the problems, but I shouldn't have sat there and thought so poorly of her. It's wrong that I would say she wanted me to just lose it and go off on her, but it is what I believe. That conversation should have been had many years ago, and still hasn't.
It took much too long for me to finally completely break things off and then we get into a whole slew of problems for another day. Now there was quite a break between this and my next experience. I was extremely obsessed with this girl I met from another town. There were times where sexual desire was there, but honestly, it was completely different than anything else previously. Even though she was a big part of my life for many years, she isn't pertinent to this topic. While going after this girl though, I found another lady who I thought was interested but was more interested in my friend's boyfriend. She was using me to get to him and we fooled around a bit, but honestly nothing crazy. Mostly making out and I'd be angrier that the relationship wasn't real if I wasn't just dating her because I was mad at Sam. From here I graduated high school and moved into the "big" town next to my small town. The exact timeline on this is a little fuzzy, but I sort of had a three-way experience with a friend of mine. He and I somehow started talking to a girl that graduated before us and we decided to go skinny dipping at the lake. After a while, it was obvious that everyone was in, so we drove into town to buy condoms. We then headed to the fairgrounds because I knew the bathrooms weren't locked up at night and they had showers. Another regret of mine sexually is not taking advantage of this situation. I was still on my "condoms are stupid" thing, so I got a little suck and whatnot, but then I went to work with what else I had. Skyler went full out though and it was his first real sexual experience. It ended up kind of turning into a scene that I felt had to be worked on because the performance was rather sub-par. In the end, though we took some showers together and made out. It was quite nice and honestly, sometimes I would just prefer something like this.
I went on to enjoy some college before actually starting school. My friend lived in the dorms and I met some people through him. He is actually very gay but somehow was talked into having sex with a girl across the hall who was in an open (she wanted to sleep with other people, boyfriend was just desperate to hold on) relationship. At the time, the girl and I had hooked up a few times and was my first time actually having vaginal sex. (WITH A CONDOM WOOHOO) The first time I was having a very hard time getting off and the second was somehow even stranger. If I am remembering correctly, there were only two times, but the second was extremely fun. We drove out to the country and fooled around to the six Star Wars scores put on shuffle. I will always tell people two things about my experiences with sex. One is that the best load ever released is from a titty fuck and the second is fingering a girl to Duel of the Fates is a phenomenal experience that everyone needs to try. Even though we had a really fun time and honestly she gave me a new outlook on sex, I couldn't finish. There was just no emotional connection and I had to fake it.
Luckily the next girl was much easier to love. Another girl from down the hall, actually two roommates, was befriending David (my friend from above) and we decided it would be a great idea to go back to my house and get drunk to Batman and Robin. (THANK YOU ARNOLD!) I became very good friends with one of the girls and Tasha is still one of my best friends to date, but the other is who this story is about. One of my roommates came home and asked us if we wanted to go to a party with him. We all seemed interested and got in his car. On the way, he had to stop at gas and bought some snacks. The only one I care about is twix. This is not because twix is a great snack, don't get me wrong, it definitely is, but in this particular scenario, it was the best. He ate all but one piece and then asked if anyone wanted some. Piper and I were both interested and decided it would be a great idea to share it. In our drunken state, neither of us had any doubt that we were both gonna eat it at the same time, and that we did. It very quickly became a full make out session in his car. We hung out at the party and made out a bit more, but that was really it for then. We kept talking and within a week or two we decided to go out on a date. That very quickly turned into sex and we talked about the fact that she was going to be going out of the country in a few months. So somehow I found myself in a semi-relationship with a girl who was way out of my league. Unfortunately, I got attached, as is expected from me, but it was much easier knowing she was leaving on a set date. It was much more casual than what I'm used to and it was probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. Since this post is about sex though I want to talk about that. We had plenty and it was good, but there was no exploration and again, no real talk about it. I truly regret not talking to her more about it and trying more. She was an extremely open person, but I have a tendency to get nervous and close myself off. So we kept that going for about three months and then boom, off to Sweden, and I started college.
I wanna say it was shortly after my first semester or close to the end of the first when I started talking to Gwen. Now that isn't her real name, and I'm not using it to hide her information. That is just what I called her. She was a grade below me in high school and it was the nickname I had given her then. We got very comfortable VERY quickly. Within a week or two of dating, we were practically living together. Most nights we would stay at one of our two places. We were fooling around and it took a bit to get to sex, but we were showering together and had no problem going to the bathroom with the other there. Within a month it felt like we had been dating for a year. School became a struggle for both of us and soon we were both dropping out of college and just working. We got a place together with another couple and that kind of went terribly, but not because we weren't working out, we couldn't stand them. Damn, I'm getting off topic again. I will talk about actual emotional relationships at another time. The sex here was normal. We never really got super weird but weren't super open with each other. We sometimes talked about things we wanted to try, but never really got around to them. Even though we dated for years it stayed fairly vanilla. Again this all comes down to communication and I know I keep talking about it for every relationship, but it really is the most important thing for love, sex, and just general happiness within a relationship. We did mess around some with costumes, which was a lot of fun. She would get really drunk and demand sex. There wasn't really a lot of times that I wouldn't be interested, but I couldn't say no if I wanted to sleep in the bed. By the end of things, sex wasn't for each other. It became when someone wanted sex we would fuck then go back to whatever we were doing. There wasn't really anything to it anymore. The closest we would get to emotional sex was anger. We tried a lot of the things you turn to at the end like toys and roleplaying.
Now, there is a big fault in my two big relationships that is on me, porn. I started to talk about it towards the end of the conversation about Tori, but it wasn't nearly enough. There is a difference between chemical and behavioral addiction and I don't personally believe that people should get much of a pass on behavioral addiction. You don't need it and is something you can control if you one hundred percent want to cut it out. That being said, I have an addiction to pornography. It started while dating Tori and became a part of my usual rituals. Sex started as a physical need, but sort of became about the connection wasn't getting with the people I was dating. It's not that I felt a connection with the people in the videos or anything stupid like that, but it felt just as personal as fooling around with Tori did. It became this escape that I never entirely got rid of. There was a good portion of time where it really wasn't something I craved, but by the time I was with Gwen that had turned back around. For a good amount of time, it wasn't really much of a problem, but as we started to grow apart, I would turn to porn again. There were days where I would go at it 3 or 4 times a day even though I was living with my girlfriend. It wasn't only an issue with our sex life, but just our personal relationship. Since the breakup with Gwen, I haven't really seen anyone and it has been about two years since I've even been on a date, let alone fucked anyone. So as you can guess porn has become a bit of a problem again. Overall it is something that I am starting to work on and when I found someone I was interested in a few months ago I stopped without even a little bit of desire for it. My goal is to work on myself and improve that before I really start trying with anyone again.
As usual, Thanks for reading and I'll have more to share next time!
Monday, July 9, 2018
So Today I Had A Dream
I've never really been someone who remembers my dreams. Sometimes when I first wake up there is some memory, but it's usually gone by the time anyone is around. The few I can remember from my childhood were somewhat reoccurring. The only two that really come to mind was someone of a lame sounding dungeon crawling type dream. Most of the details are lost to me now, but I just remember them being a different cast of people most times. There was some terrifying worm creature at some point and honestly I remember the dream being quite frightening. The other major one from my past involved a post-apocalyptic cityscape. It was always me and another person driving around in a nice car. Still, now I don't completely get the first dream. My best guess is that I had a lot of different friend groups and it didn't feel like I was completely a part of any of them. Today, while thinking about the dream I'm gonna talk about next, I think I finally figured out what the car one was about. Generally, the other person in the car would be a guy and a celebrity. Hayden Christensen, Ryan Gosling, Harrison Ford... just to name a few. If you know me at all personally, these were definitely a few of the people that I had a big crush on as a kid/teen and I'm starting to think that the reason we were always driving around with no one else seeming to be anywhere was my fear of being gay. I group up in a household of Jehovah's Witnesses and it wasn't an alright thing. So many people in my life always asked me if I was gay and constantly put me in that box. Even now, I still am not completely open about it. This honestly is the most open I've been about my sexual preference to an audience that could potentially include family. I'm bisexual, but the rest of the conversation on that topic can wait till I finish one of my planned posts.
The topic somehow got switched there for a moment, but we are finally at the reason why I wrote this instead of the 3 current posts I have ready to start. I'm terrified of death, but it's almost always been mine. This last year has been mostly really good. One of the only things I really don't like about it is moving farther away from my friend, David. He is one of my oldest friends and makes me very happy. This morning I woke up from a dream where the only real detail I can remember is that he was dead. It was so strange because it wasn't something where like I watched him die or had someone tell me about his death. The scary part was that it felt like he had been dead for awhile. People were trying to console me and it felt like I was trying to hide how sad I was. Hiding my feelings isn't an unusual occurrence for me, but in the dream, I broke down. Waking up was a very shocking event this morning. There was a ton of crying and honestly it was one of the worst feelings I've ever had. It took quite awhile for me to come out of it and I'm pretty happy that my roommates weren't around this morning to see me. I don't know how to explain quite how it felt, but it's terrifying to me that just imagining him gone was so tough for me. Luckily, he was only a few clicks away from being able to have a conversation with me, but someday either he or I will go and I guess that hasn't really popped into my head before. We had a conversation about it for a bit, and I had another really good cry. Overall, getting all of that out of my system earlier felt incredible. Letting my emotions show was never something I was super good at, but have gotten a lot better with. Usually, when sad or happy, I sit there and think about what everyone around me would think if I cried or smiled. While watching TV I'll frequently look over to see how other people react to things. It doesn't necessarily change my reaction, but I can't help but wonder if my reaction is wrong. That's a very stupid thing to say, since it is literally a reaction or an opinion and can't be wrong, but it still kinda gets to me.
Working on my emotions has been hard, but I've made a lot of progress and honestly, sometimes I can't turn it off. It's more of a trial and error right now, which ends in a lot of sad movies that I can't stop crying over. The bright side is that I'm getting to go over some movies and shows again without feeling like I have to hold back. Starting to realize that people don't really give a shit about if I cry or laugh at most things has been amazing. This is where some of the podcasts that I've been listening to come in. Hearing people, that sometimes live in the spotlight, go through a lot of the same emotions, fears, and just overall life situations really help. Dax Shepard and Michael Rosenbaum, get very personal on their shows and it doesn't feel like someone trying to relate to people like you get in a lot of talk shows and interviews where people are constantly trying to spin their lives into fantastical stories.
Overall, this took longer to write than expected and I would like to get to sleep. I'm looking to get a lot more posts like this out and do have one planned. Sleep has always been something that I don't look forward to because I don't normally remember my dreams so it usually just feels like I was nothing for 5 to 8 hours. That's one of the reasons I am so scared of death. I'm terrified it will be a lot like my sleep, but I will just never be conscious again. Again, I am getting off track! I'm very interested to hear any crazy dreams you guys remember or just anything you'd like to share.
The topic somehow got switched there for a moment, but we are finally at the reason why I wrote this instead of the 3 current posts I have ready to start. I'm terrified of death, but it's almost always been mine. This last year has been mostly really good. One of the only things I really don't like about it is moving farther away from my friend, David. He is one of my oldest friends and makes me very happy. This morning I woke up from a dream where the only real detail I can remember is that he was dead. It was so strange because it wasn't something where like I watched him die or had someone tell me about his death. The scary part was that it felt like he had been dead for awhile. People were trying to console me and it felt like I was trying to hide how sad I was. Hiding my feelings isn't an unusual occurrence for me, but in the dream, I broke down. Waking up was a very shocking event this morning. There was a ton of crying and honestly it was one of the worst feelings I've ever had. It took quite awhile for me to come out of it and I'm pretty happy that my roommates weren't around this morning to see me. I don't know how to explain quite how it felt, but it's terrifying to me that just imagining him gone was so tough for me. Luckily, he was only a few clicks away from being able to have a conversation with me, but someday either he or I will go and I guess that hasn't really popped into my head before. We had a conversation about it for a bit, and I had another really good cry. Overall, getting all of that out of my system earlier felt incredible. Letting my emotions show was never something I was super good at, but have gotten a lot better with. Usually, when sad or happy, I sit there and think about what everyone around me would think if I cried or smiled. While watching TV I'll frequently look over to see how other people react to things. It doesn't necessarily change my reaction, but I can't help but wonder if my reaction is wrong. That's a very stupid thing to say, since it is literally a reaction or an opinion and can't be wrong, but it still kinda gets to me.
Working on my emotions has been hard, but I've made a lot of progress and honestly, sometimes I can't turn it off. It's more of a trial and error right now, which ends in a lot of sad movies that I can't stop crying over. The bright side is that I'm getting to go over some movies and shows again without feeling like I have to hold back. Starting to realize that people don't really give a shit about if I cry or laugh at most things has been amazing. This is where some of the podcasts that I've been listening to come in. Hearing people, that sometimes live in the spotlight, go through a lot of the same emotions, fears, and just overall life situations really help. Dax Shepard and Michael Rosenbaum, get very personal on their shows and it doesn't feel like someone trying to relate to people like you get in a lot of talk shows and interviews where people are constantly trying to spin their lives into fantastical stories.
Overall, this took longer to write than expected and I would like to get to sleep. I'm looking to get a lot more posts like this out and do have one planned. Sleep has always been something that I don't look forward to because I don't normally remember my dreams so it usually just feels like I was nothing for 5 to 8 hours. That's one of the reasons I am so scared of death. I'm terrified it will be a lot like my sleep, but I will just never be conscious again. Again, I am getting off track! I'm very interested to hear any crazy dreams you guys remember or just anything you'd like to share.
THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!
Friday, July 6, 2018
QUICK POST
I know there aren't a lot of readers yet, but hopefully I can do more posts like this in the future. As for now, I'd like to ask the few people I have if they have any ideas. Currently my plan is to take 5 days off in August and go for a short trip. Hopefully I can keep the trip very cheap and originally I though maybe I'd go the full five days and drive out to the East Coast. After some thought, and credit card bills, I'm considering just driving a few states over and hitting up a concert. If anyone knows of any cool shows coming up, let me know. I'm honestly willing to go all the way to the East Coast for a good enough band or festival. If I keep it limited to a show and back, then the remaining days can be spent relaxing, streaming, or writing. My plan for next month is to have my own website up and running. Mostly to help promote the blog and have a bit more of a one stop shop for everything. Out of curiosity, does anyone have any good ideas on promoting websites and the such? To be perfectly honest I'm not looking to promote on my personal Facebook and social media. One thing that I'm hoping to accomplish is being much more open and honest about everything and have a post coming up that could be strange for some people that know me personally or if my family were to read it. I have a hard time opening up in front of people I know very well and so until I get a lot more comfortable with some of those people, I need other people to see the posts and be able to feel like I'm not only writing to myself. The writing in general has felt really good and therapeutic though, even if it's only reaching a few people.
In the interest of keeping this short (writing this a few minutes before work) there is an area at the bottom of my blog where you can email the account I created for the blog. I'm hoping to work out a good looking comments section and get a little more interaction with people as this grows, but for now that will do.
As always thanks for the read!
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